


That Song Without A Chorus

by MissKittyFantastico



Category: Bandom
Genre: Gen, Inspired by Real Events, Questioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-16
Updated: 2010-06-16
Packaged: 2017-10-10 03:43:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissKittyFantastico/pseuds/MissKittyFantastico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One epiphany in the Hotel Cafe bathroom leads to months full of Butch debating with himself about his sexuality. All while he starts one of the most successful years of his life so far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Song Without A Chorus

**Author's Note:**

> Written for LGBT Fest 2010. This fic was inspired by Butch's performances of 'Paid To Get Excited' from his discography residency shows. You can see the one mentioned in this fic [here.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WypJX3ux4Qc) Title from 'Song Without A Chorus' by Butch Walker.
> 
> Prompt: _237\. Any fandom, Any character 40+, Questioning your sexuality after over two decades of not questioning is hard—especially when no one believes you. But sometimes all it takes is one person to care enough to listen._

Things in Butch Walker's life never exactly happened the way they should.

If things had gone the way they should, Southgang would have been one of the biggest bands on the planet in the nineties, the Marvelous 3 would have been more than a one hit wonder, the fire wouldn't have taken everything and he would have been more known for his own music than his work in the production booth.

Still, he had reconciled all of that a long time ago. Life got much easier when he stopped searching for hit songs for himself and started helping others make them for themselves. It was oddly freeing to help make guilty pleasures.

Plus, it gave him the opportunity to make the music he wanted to make. For him, that was the most satisfying part of his job. That, and seeing his fans when he performed. It didn't matter if he had only one hit from the past, none of his old guitars and master tapes, or a reputation of being able to make music for others. He was still happy and he got to do things that most people only dreamed about. To him, his not-so-perfect life was pretty damn amazing, even with all the rough patches that had happened along the way.

Of course, if things had happened exactly the way they should, he wouldn't have started questioning his sexuality three days before his 40th birthday.  
\----------------  
The residency shows had started off well enough. The 'You Belong With Me' cover from the first _Letters_ show had pretty much taken over the internet and every show at the Hotel Cafe, Joe's Pub, Schubas Tavern and 7 Stages had sold out before he could even blink. These shows were going to be something special for the fans and something of closure for him before he started promotions for his new record.

Still, with closure, came songs he didn't want to deal with.

'Paid To Get Excited' was one of those songs.

He honestly tried to remember if he was drunk or just really pissed off when he wrote it, because when he looked back on it, it didn't seem to make sense. Sure, he had something he wanted to say, but it just seemed to get jumbled up in all the strange metaphors.

He was never really one for political songs anyway.

Butch would have preferred to just skip the song entirely, but promises were promises and he wasn't going to back out. It's not like he wasn't dragging up other songs he hated to perform live.

He decided to compromise and sing 'Anything Anything' by Dramarama where the bridge should be.

Why he originally felt compelled to turn it into a rant about how stupid it was that gay marriage had been made illegal in California, he would never be entirely sure, but it went over well enough. No one booed or made an ass of themselves to tell Butch how wrong he was. Not like he expected them to, but stranger things have happened at shows.

He managed to keep a clear head about it all until after the show. As he washed his hands in the Hotel Cafe bathroom, he went over everything that had happened in his head. Flubbed lyrics, bad notes, and the things he had said. For whatever reason though, his mind kept going back to somethings he had said during his rant.

_"I don't have any bias any more about it because I got a lot of questions myself, no matter what..."_

_"Although, I've been questioned."_

He turned the sink off and shook the excess water off of his hands, recalling so many times through the years someone asked if he was gay. He got why they asked. He had worn some rather funky shit back in the 80s and 90s and he was never one to shy away from on-stage affection towards his band.

But he always responded with a polite "no". Sometimes without even thinking.

Why though? Had he ever stopped to _actually_ think about it?

Butch pushed the thought out of his head as he dried his hands off. He had always been attracted to women. There was no doubt about it. He was even in what those crazy right-wingers would call a "traditional" marriage. Not like those definitions mattered to him much, but still.

But he never felt uncomfortable during all those years on the road with a bunch of guys. Holding hands with Slug and Jayce never felt awkward, and sometimes, he felt a certain... _rush_... when he would kiss one of his bandmates.

He froze, the paper towel falling out of his hands and onto the floor. He didn't bend down to pick it up or look around to see if anyone else was in the bathroom to witness this sudden possible sexual orientation epiphany. All he could do was just stare at the wall and think "Oh _shit_."  
\----------------  
His fortieth birthday came and went without incident. He enjoyed himself and had a great time partying with his friends. He managed to go most of the night without that little question popping up.

And every time it did, he would just take another drink to keep it at bay.

Still, it just kept pestering at him for the next few days until he finally caved and decided to test the waters with Jake while they were hanging out after doing some production work one night.

"Would you care if I was gay?"

Jake seemed taken aback by the question. "What? What's brought this about?"

Butch shrugged as he took a sip of his drink. "Just a hypothetical sort of question." He hoped that his body language was playing that off.

Jake let out a small chuckle. "I don't think I would, but I couldn't see it."

Butch couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that. "Couldn't see what?"

"You being gay," Jake said, shrugging slightly. "I don't know... to me, it doesn't add up with you. Other people might think so, but I don't know if I could ever imagine you being gay."

Butch just pursed his lips and nodded as he took another drink. He wasn't sure about Jake's logic, but he wasn't sure about his own self lately either. "Good to know you don't think I'm gay."

It was Jake's turn to raise an eyebrow at Butch. "You trying to tell me something, man?"

Butch desperately wanted to shout something along the lines of 'Yes! I think I'm legitimately attracted to men!' at his friend, but instead, he just shook his head and kept a calm exterior. "Nope. Like I said, entirely hypothetical."

Jake paused, then nodded slowly before asking about the upcoming residency shows. Butch answered his questions, wishing he had answered Jake's honestly.  
\----------------  
Butch doesn't even know how time had passed so quickly, but it seems like it went from November to January in the blink of an eye. That one stupid little question still bothered him, but between the residency shows, flying back and forth across the country, promoting the new album and making plans for the spring and summer, it's was easy to shuffle it all into the back of his mind and concentrate on something else.

Still, there were a few times he felt like looking at his friends, his audience, an interviewer or just a random stranger and saying "So I had an epiphany that I'm probably not straight in the bathroom of the Hotel Cafe after the _Rise and Fall_ show. How have y'all been?"

That would have been relieving, but he knew he'd regret it later when he'd have to field a million calls and emails from his friends and family asking if it was true. Not to mention having to explain it to his wife why he suddenly wasn't sure of his sexuality when he had been before.

He kept his mouth shut on that and moved onto other things. He was really starting to regret 'Paid To Get Excited' now.  
\----------------  
It was always a relief to come back to Atlanta, no matter how briefly he was there. It was probably the only city that would ever completely feel at home in. The one place that wouldn't really care if he was gay, straight, bi, or whatever.

"I might be gay... maybe," he said quietly in his Atlanta house one morning before the first Atlanta residency show. It was barely loud enough for anyone else to hear in an empty house, but it felt good for it to come out of his mouth. Maybe the thoughts would leave him alone this week.

He figured they wouldn't, but it never hurt to hope.  
\----------------  
Every night after the shows, they went out to drink. How could they not? Butch was back in his hometown with his friends. Drinking was sort of a necessity. Plus, what better way was there to warm up from Georgia's January weather than taking a few shots?

Course, even with his tolerance level, it was easy to go a little overboard. Not much more overboard than Chris Unck taking a shot from an ashtray, but still overboard.

In fact, it was the night Chris took that shot that got him into some trouble with his brain. Butch had drank enough to feel a little hazy, but Chris's state was sort of weird after he had taken the ashtray shot. Butch had expected that, but Chris kept looking like he was on the urge of throwing up again.

"You alright," Butch had asked over the music as the night had begun to wind down. It was hard to top what Chris had just done.

Chris just waved his hand, though the trajectory was a bit odd. Butch blamed it on the booze. "I'm alright..."

"You don't need to be taken home or anything?"

"I said I'm fine, dude."

Chris was still waving his hands about before one of them finally came to a thudding stop on top of Butch's hand.

Butch felt two jolts when that happened. One from the pain of his hand and the other rushing straight to his heart at the feeling of Chris touching his hand. Butch only lingered in it for a few brief seconds before quickly withdrawing his hand and shaking it. Chris didn't even notice the time passage. "Sorry man, did I hurt you?"

Butch just shook his head and reached for his own glass. He could tell he was shaking a little. "No. Don't worry about it."

He waved a dismissive hand at Chris before he took another drink. He wanted to blame it entirely on the booze, but he knew that wasn't entirely the case.  
\----------------  
The rest of January didn't even give Butch time to think about his sexuality. As soon as the residency shows were done in Atlanta, he was back to Malibu to get work done. If it wasn't production, it was getting ready for the album release less than a month later and touring with Train after that. If it wasn't any of that, it was getting ready for the Grammys. He barely had time to think about anything else but work, let alone his sexuality.

As soon as his performance with Taylor Swift was done though, he felt an immense weight lift of his shoulders. He still had work coming up, but all the major hurdles for the beginning of the year had been crossed. And he was more than happy to go out with Alecia and Carey after the awards show was done and personally celebrate those hurdles getting crossed.

It's not until the next morning the little question comes back. He was reading back over his blog entry about the night before when he mentally smacked himself.

If he ever actually figured this all out and actually came out, some people would be sure to think his joke about blowing the camera guy for good angles was true.

Butch sighed and rubbed his eyes in frustration. It figured all of it would come back at the very beginning of February.  
\----------------  
Despite actually having some time off, February wasn't as full of his brain bothering him as he thought it was going to be. Shane and Brendon had provided a great distraction with the Panic! At Butch Walker's video at the beginning of the month and getting to spend time with his family and friends put his mind at a slow ease.

Not to mention all the early reviews that were coming in for the new album. That was enough to make anyone happy, no matter what was going in their heads.

Probably why his brain would beat him down about it when he least expect it. He'd be in the middle of one thing and all of a sudden, his brain would be filling up with past incidents that might have meant he was never entirely straight.

He couldn't wait for March. If performing every night didn't take his mind off it all, he would have no choice but to bash his own head in with Chris's cowbell on stage. At least then it would be quiet in his head.  
\----------------  
"You feeling alright?"

Alecia was looking down at him from where she was sitting. Butch looked up at her as he reached for his wine glass. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"You just sort of zoned out there for a minute."

Butch blinked, recalling the silent and brief debate he had with his mind at the memory of tour a few years back and how he had drunkenly kissed Michael. He tried to tell himself that it meant nothing, not aware that he had zoned out. "Sorry, stuck in my own head there for a second."

He took a long sip as Alecia chuckled bit. "Don't get stuck in there too much. It's hard to get out sometimes."

Butch just chuckled as he strummed some strings on his guitar. "Ain't that the truth?"

It occurred to him to just pull her aside and tell her what had been going on in his head since November. She would listen. She would get it. She was the last person in the universe to even judge him.

He batted the thoughts away and just started playing his guitar. Tonight was not a good time to unleash demons in his closet, even if it was to one of his best friends.

Then again, when would it be?  
\----------------  
If there were Gods of Rock and Roll, Butch thanked them every day for the invention of touring.

Butch already loved to go on tour, but this tour with Train was exactly what he needed. Him and the Black Widows were already riding on the success of the new album and the crowds were fantastic, but Butch could feel his head clearing. It suddenly didn't matter that he had been bogged down by the question of his sexuality for months. He had the road, he had the band, and he had the crowd. It felt like renewal, which was what he had been going for with this release in the first place.

And he could ride this wave for months if he could.

Of course, waves come crashing down on the shore eventually. This one did on the last night of tour in San Francisco.

He had been going on stage at the end of every night to sing 'Dance The Night Away' with Train, so for the final night of tour, he decided he was going to pull a prank on them and come out dressed like a hair metal singer. It occurred to him that some people would think it was gay, but he lived through the hair metal years. People calling him gay for that didn't bother him anymore, no matter what his current state of questioning was.

The prank went over plenty well that night. The crowd was having a good time and the band was laughing at the sheer sight of Butch in purple leggings and a blonde wig.

And then Pete showed up.

He knew Pete Wentz was there to direct the video for 'Is It Love?'. He had even talked to Pete and his entourage earlier that night. It was no surprise to him that Pete would jump on stage during the finale.

What did surprise him though was Pete skipping over to him and feeling him up right there on stage.

Butch knew Pete did it as a joke, but he still felt a jolt go through his body as Pete touched him, his fingers brushing against his bare skin under his leather jacket briefly before he went over to Pat and tackled him with a hug from behind.

In a split second, everything came crashing back into Butch's head. All those damn questions he managed to ignore for a month came popping up right at the very end of it all.

Butch kept his composure, singing with the band till the very end and not ruining the good time. He even let Pat jump on his back as the song - and the tour - came to a close.

He just made a mental note to kill Pete Wentz later as he did so.  
\----------------  
As great as the tour had been, it was a relief to get home to Malibu. He wanted to see his son, his wife and his dogs. He wanted to decompress for the few weeks he had before he was back on the road.

He wanted to stop having arguments with his brain about his orientation, but he knew now he couldn't do it alone. He needed someone to talk to about it. Someone who would actually listen to him. Someone who could believe him when he said he might be gay.

Butch didn't think that long before he dialed Alecia's number.

"Welcome home, bud. What's up?"

"Hey hon, can you meet me sometime in the day before the show tomorrow? I have something I need to talk to you about."  
\----------------  
"So are you going to tell me what's bothering you so badly, or are you just going to make me assume the worst?"

Butch looked down at Alecia as they walked along the beach near Butch's house. It was midmorning and still relatively cool by Malibu standards. Not like the temperature would go up that much more anyway by the time the afternoon rolled around. He sighed, wiggling his toes a little bit in the sand. "Well, this is going to sound extremely weird..."

"Oh God, you didn't contract some rare disease while on tour, did you?"

Butch looked down at her, eyebrows raised in an amused expression. "What? No. What makes you say that?"

Alecia shrugged, laughing a bit herself. "I don't know, you seem tense. I was worried that you brought me here to tell me that you've contracted an incurable disease or were diagnosed with a terminal cancer."

Butch just shook his head. "No, no. Not that bad."

"What is it then? You found religion?"

"No. Getting colder actually."

"You've decided to give up alcohol and are turning to a life of sobriety?"

"No. Why would I want to do that?"

"Good point...Umm...You're retiring from a life of rock and roll?"

"_God_ no. I still got a good run going here."

Alecia crossed her arms as she stopped walking and looked up at her friend expectantly. "Well, are you going to tell me what's on your mind or am I going to have to keep guessing?"

Butch sighed again, running his fingers through his hair. "Well... might as well just spit it out." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and quickly said, "I think I might be gay. Or bi. Or something. I don't even know how to describe it..."

He opened his eyes to see Alecia looking up. He was surprised to see her lack of surprise. "That's all you wanted to tell me? You made me worry about you for that?"

"Well, yeah," Butch said with an embarrassed laugh. "Sorry about that."

"It's okay, I forgive you," she said, crouching down and drawing circles in the sand with her fingers. "So... what? When did you have this epiphany of your possible queerness?"

"November," Butch said as he plopped down on the sand to join her. "At the Hotel Cafe show that was before my birthday, actually."

That got a look of surprise out of her. "Shit, really? And you're just telling me now?"

Butch nodded slowly. "I don't know. I guess I thought I could handle it on my own, but I think it's gotten the better of me right now."

"That bad, huh?"

Another nod.

"Does Nora know?"

"Not yet," Butch said with a shake of his head. Even after all these months, he still wasn't quite sure how to bring the issue up to his wife.

"You still love her?"

"Yes. That hasn't changed. It's just everything else that's been sort of fucked up in my head."

Alecia nodded and looked out towards the ocean. "So I'm the first person you've told this too, huh? You sure know how to make your friends feel special."

"Well, I tried to talk to Jake about it once, but he said he couldn't see me being gay. Haven't really tried to bring it up to anyone else since then. Guess I expected the same reaction."

Butch ran his fingers nervously through his hair again as Alecia broke her crouch to sit cross-legged on the sand with him. "So, what makes you think that you might be?"

"It's hard to explain," Butch said as he rested his chin on his palm. "Like... I've never been attracted to men sexually. I'm not afraid to call them attractive, but I don't want to have sex them. But... You know that feeling you get when you kiss someone or you hold hands with them or they touch you in a certain way that it feel so... right? Like you're supposed to have that feeling with them?"

Alecia fell silent for a few seconds before she responded with a nod. "I do."

"That's how I've felt for years about so many men in my life and it's taken me this long to realize I've been feeling that way."

"And your sure it's not just some weird friendship bonding type of feeling you're having? Or just being drunk and having the warm fuzzies at the same time?"

Butch nodded. "I'm sure. It feels so much stranger than that. And yet, so..."

"Perfect?"

Butch looked up at Alecia to see her smiling a little at her suggestion. "Yeah. Exactly."

Alecia reached over and clapped a hand to his shoulder. "Butch, this kind of stuff isn't easy to deal with, but I'm sure you've already noticed that."

"Yeah, I've _definitely_ noticed."

"But... y'know, you just need to give yourself time to figure you out and see what you come up with. Nothing is going to be solved if you keep fighting yourself about it. You got to look it head on and actually have a conversation. Otherwise, it's just going to end badly."

Butch smiled a little bit at her. "Taking time to figure me out... I got a few weeks. I think I can do that."

"Good," Alecia said, uncrossing her legs and stretching them out along the sand. "And I don't think you need to be told this, but I'll love you no matter what you figure out. I'm sure everyone will. And if someone doesn't? Fuck them, you didn't need them anyway."

Butch laughed a little. "I didn't need it, but it was comforting to hear it anyway."

He stood up, holding his hand out to Alecia to help her up. As soon as she was up, he sweeped her into a hug. "Thanks, darlin'. For everything."

"Always," she said quietly as she returned the hug. "I know you'd do the same for me. Hell, you already have to some degree."

When she pulled away, she reached up and playfully pushed his forehead. "Though, next time you're having a crisis or have some big news to tell me, do it upfront so I know if my worry is justified."

Butch rubbed his forehead, chuckling a little bit. It was an easy compromise to make to have someone to talk to when shit got weird. "Can do."  
\----------------  
When Butch managed to calm his brain down and go over everything mentally, things got a lot easier.

It was a slow going process. Working with Ida Maria and getting ready for tour didn't leave him with a lot of downtime to actually sit down and actually figure it all out in one go, but part of him preferred taking it slow. He didn't want his brain attacking him again.

Still, it was a lot to weigh in the little time he had. How exactly did a strange emotional and spiritual attraction to men play into who he was? Was it meaningless? Was it more important than he could imagine? Was he gay or bi? Was he just straight with a weird little twist? While he didn't mind the slow debate, he was also getting tired of the endless stalemates.

By the time they finally hit the road again, he felt like he hadn't made any progress at all. He was sure at this rate, there was a higher chance of him returning to hair metal than there was of him actually figuring out where he figured onto the world's sexuality spectrum.  
\----------------  
The second epiphany came to him at the end of the tour in Atlanta, in the middle of the Variety Playhouse greenroom.

Butch had spent most of the tour putting the debate with himself on hold. He just wanted to enjoy this tour before he spent a month trekking across Europe.

And he had, for the most part. The crowds were wonderful and enthusiastic that it made Butch's heart swell. He was more than ready to take that energy to Europe with him as his fuel for the tour.

It had been the little moments too. From Taylor's enthusiasm in St. Paul to seeing the landscapes change on his bike to seeing places he hadn't seen in years to having his son join him on stage in Nashville. Even in the brief moments of sickness, it had all been so wonderful that it didn't matter to him that he still couldn't figure out the whole sexuality thing.

That's when it hit him.

It didn't matter. It never did matter. It _should_ never matter.

Yes, what he felt inside himself was strange, but at the end of the day, those stupid little labels he had debated giving himself were useless. What good would a label on what he felt about others do for him anyway? He was never able to fit into labels in the first place.

Butch had to laugh out loud at it all, which earned him a strange look from Fran. "What's that all about?"

"Nothing," Butch said as he grinned at his guitar player. "I just thought of something funny, is all."

He then briefly kissed Fran on the cheek, feeling that usual jolt in his stomach, but this time, he welcomed it. Fran just shrugged it off and went off to talk to Thacker about something, but it didn't bother Butch. He felt the weight lifting off his brain and his body, which made him feel like laughing all over again.

The show in Atlanta was going to be a celebration, in more way than one.  
\----------------  
"I think I figured me out."

Alecia looked up at him from their place at the bar. Around them, a bunch of Germans were chatting and Carey had disappeared to find a bathroom, leaving them by themselves for a few minutes. "Really?"

Butch nodded and Alecia took a sip of her drink, still looking up at Butch. "Well? What did you figure out then?"

"That it doesn't matter that much what I 'am'. I think I'm just in love with people."

Alecia grinned as she lowed her glass. "Yummy. I like that answer."

"Thanks, I do too."

They were both grinning as they clinked their glasses together. As they were about to take a drink, Carey had finally returned to his stool. "I missed something. What are we toasting?"

"Discovering new things," Alecia said as she leaned over to kiss her husband. "No matter how old you may be."

Butch nodded in agreement as he looked out over the bar at all the people. "And, in a way, feeling like a new person because of it."

He took a drink, still smiling to himself. Life looked so much more beautiful than it ever had in that moment...

Butch was more than ready to face it head on with a newly cleared head and a completely full heart.


End file.
